Last night Katrina and I shared a pint of Crown Royal, and this morning we woke up and took identical-smelling shits. Like, wow.

Today I had the yin to yesterday's yang. The urge to visit the W.C. came on slowly over a long time, like it couldn't make up its mind. So I made up my mind, and sat down, and it is totally undecisive the whole way, and then I'm done and trying to figure out how to squeeze a bit more out and I realize my asshole is completely on fire. So I wipe and wipe, but my butthole still burns! And I think, "god what did I do?" and then I remembered like two teaspoons of habanero extract. *sigh*

Today I had a wonderful shit. It told me unambiguously when it was ready, and then it told me unambiguously that it was proceeding out of my asshole at a good clip, and then it told me unambiguously when it was done, and then I looked and it was this beautiful plain brown 7" long by 1.5" diameter cylinder resting leisurely in the bowl. One wipe and I was clean. Bon voyage, beautiful turd.

Well, I repeated the experiment and I have determined that if one of your last acts of 2006 is chugging a bottle of champagne then one of your first acts of 2007 is going to be liquipoo. Oh well, shit happens. Especially to drinkers. At least it didn't hardly burn this time!

"Did you hear my butt trumpet sing to you?" I asked the cat. Katy answered instead, "it sounded like whale songs."

Yesterday I had this 'red tea' which is 'rooibos.' It's the aged twigs and leaves of some south african shrub that doesn't resemble tea at all but is one of the most distinct beverage experiences ever. However here I am on the pot dropping some old friends of mine off at the pool, but today the old friends have a new and distinctive odor. Wow.

self-heatiing coffee in a can. what a remarkable invention of twenty first century american life. low calorie and full of sucralose, a "mild" laxative. i am sitting here for the third time today contemplating how they ever determined this stuff was human compatible. climbing on a ladder and you feel something splatter!

as i sit here on my throne I'm thinking of the qualitative aspect of shitting. i don't like shits that take a lot of effort to come out and I especially don't like shits that take a lot of wiping because they had no real internal structure and just kind of turned into butt sludge. i think i need more FIBER!! yeah, fiber! i have some bananas but I think I'm gonna buy like some weetabix or something.

i just shit and it smells like a skunk. like really, like a skunk. that is to say, it doesn't smell like shit. it smells like a skunk!! i guess this is what yellow curry smells like on the other end.